Dispelling (or exacerbating) the Canadian stereotypes

There have been a few jabs at Canadians of late.  Personally, I’m all for making fun of Canadians because we’re a funny people who hand out ammo for ridicule like it was candy on Halloween.  I’d rather be funny than boring. 

But you know what is funnier?  Caricatures of Canadians.  And who did Canadian Caricatures better than Bob and Doug McKenzie?  No one, that’s who.

Bob and Doug in full Canadian regalia - toques adorned with dingle balls, Haliburton Dinner Jackets, and beer.

For our American friends, I’ve laid out The 12 Days of Christmas, Bob & Doug style, with my comments in red.

***

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
(Rick Moranis / Dave Thomas)
Bob & Doug McKenzie

  • www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2oPio60mK4
  • (B: Bob D: Doug C: Chorus) B: OK, good day (pronounced “g’day”). This is our Christmas part of the album. You can play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there’s nothin’ (we often forgo the “g” at the end of “ing” words.  saves time) else to do.
    D: Good day, eh (no denying it, fellow Canadians.  we say ‘eh’ as often as we end sentences.)? In case you thought, like, I wasn’t on this part.
    B: Oh, I guarantee (we ‘guarantee’ a lot of things.  it’s because we’re so trustworthy) ya (again with the shortening of words to save time.  we’re too busy to bother ourselves with entire words.) you’d be on. OK, so good day.  This is the Christmas part, and we’re gonna tell ya what to get..um…your true love for Christmas.
    D: Look out the window!
    B: Where? (chuckle) What are ya doin’?!?
    D: Snow, hosehead! (or ‘hoser’; our National Insult.  don’t ask me what it means.  we just say it so you know how much of a hoser you are.)
    B: Well, oh, it’s the Great White North, and it’s snowing ’cause it’s Christmastime. Hey, hoser! (see?)
    D: What?
    B: Here’s a quiz. (chuckle) Quiz for Doug…
    D: OK, I have my “thinking toque” (that’s Canadian for winter hat.  we all have one.  usually with a dingle ball on top.) on.
    B: Yeah, right. What are the “Twelve Days of Christmas”? ‘Cause, figure it out, right (replaces ‘eh’ on occassion)? Christmas is when?
    D: Um, the twenty-fifth…
    B: Right. And, what’s the twenty-fourth…Christmas Eve, right? So..
    D: That’s two
    B: That’s two. And, then what’s after that? (pause) Boxing Day (you guys don’t have this, right?  I seem to remember you don’t have this.  it’s just an excuse for another day off of work.  so we can ‘box our decorations’ or ‘throw out the gift boxes’ or something.  I’m not sure.  I’m too lazy to google it.)
    D: Wrestling Day (this is not a real thing.  don’t spread the rumours.)
    B: Wrestl..get out!
    D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.
    B: That’s three. Then, what’s after that? Nothin’!
    D: New Year’s!
    B: Four and what’s…
    D: New Year’s Eve?
    B: That’s five. Where do ya get twelve?
    D: Uh, there’s two Saturdays and Sundays in there; that’s four. So, that’s nine. And three other days which, I believe, are the “mystery” days.
    (Music starts)
    B: OK, this our Christmas song, just in case you don’t know what to get someone for Christmas.
    D: There’s lots of ideas in here, so listen and don’t get stuck!  (organ starts) By the way, that’s ME on the organ.
    B: Oh, geez.
    D: You start…
    B: OK…On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A beer (I’m not a drinker, and therefore not a beer expert, but I’ve heard our beer is far superior to American beer.  ’cause we like it strong.).
    D: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Two turtlenecks (we wear turtlenecks from September to May)

    B: And a beer.

    On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Three French toast
    (we eat a lot of anything we can drizzle our delicious maple syrup on.  french toast, pancakes, waffles, breakfast sausages)(shut up – try it)

    D: Two turtle-necks
    B: And a beer.
    D: There should be more there, eh?
    B: Where? Oh, go!

    D: Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
    Four pounds of back-bacon (I call this Canadian bacon, but I feel like maybe I shouldn’t because I don’t think that French people call fries “French fries” and I don’t think Chinese people call their food “Chinese food”.  but that’s what it is – back-bacon.  sorry for spoiling the illusion.)
    B: Three French toast
    D: Two turtle-necks
    B: And a beer.
    D: …in a tree. See, you need more.

    B: Oh..fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
    Five golden toques,
    D: Four pound of back-bacon
    B: Three French toast
    D: Two turtle necks
    B: And a beer…where?
    D: (with Bob) In a tree.

    B: OK, on the sixth…oo, go!
    D: ..Christmas, my true love gave to me,
    C: Six…
    D: Six packs of two-four (again with the love and pride of our beer.  apparently it’s good and best consumed in mass quantities.)
    B & C: Five golden toques
    C: Four…
    D: Four pounds of back-bacon
    C: Three…
    B: Three French toast
    C: Two…
    D: Two turtle-necks
    C: And a beeeeeeeeer…
    B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. OK.

    On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
    Seven pack of smokes (this song is old.  we don’t like smoking anymore.  in fact, you can’t smoke in public places anymore and not in your own car and good luck to you if you’re caught smoking around a kid.  death stares will ensue.),
    C: Nice gift!
    D: Nice gift. Oh…six packs of two-four
    B & C: Five golden toques.
    C: Four…
    D: Four pounds of back-bacon
    C: Three…
    B: Three French toast
    C: Two…
    D: Two turtle-necks
    C: And a beeeeeeeeer…
    B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. Keep forgetting.
    D: Whew! This should just be the “Two Days of Christmas”; it’s too
    hard for us! Go, hoser.

    B & D: On the eighth day of Christmas, may true love gave to me,
    D: Eight comic books (I’m not sure where this one comes from.  but I’m a girl, so I don’t think it’s weird that I don’t “get” comic books.)
    (Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind)
    B & D: Seven packs of smokes
    Six pack of two-four
    B: Five…
    C: (catches up) Five golden toques

    Four pounds of back-bacon
    Three French toast
    Two turtle-necks
    ALL: And a beer…
    B & D: On my tree.
    B: Yeah, that beer is empty. OK, day, um…
    C: TWELVE!
    B: Twelve!
    D: Good day, and welcome to day twelve..
    (Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in)
    ALL: Five golden toques
    Four pounds of back-bacon,
    Three French toast
    Two turtle-necks
    And a beer in a treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
    D: Where’d you learn to do that?
    B: Um, albums.
    D: So, like, that’s our song. Merry Christmas…
    B: Merry Christmas!
    D: And good day!
    B: Good day! Ha-happy New Year, too.
    D: Shhh!
    B: OK, you know what you left out?
    D: What?
    B: Donuts! (OHHH!  we looove donuts.  a lot.  so much so that we changed the definition of “a dozen” so that it now means 13, instead of 12.)
    D: Oh, no!
    B: I told you to get donuts. Either on the ninth day, or the tenth
    day or the eleventh day, but I want donuts!
    D: OK, the song’s over! Merry Christmas, everybody!
    B: …or, on the twelfth day, you could’ve got me a DOZEN donuts…
    D: So,..go out to the stores and get some presents!
    B: You could’ve gone down, to, like, the good donut shops where you
    buy a dozen, you get another one free (see?  told you.) , and then it’d be thirteen for the “Thirteen Days of Christmas”!
    D: Next Christmas, you can get me a chain-saw (yeah, we chop down a lot of things.)!
    B: Take off (Canadian for “get lost”.  usually ended with “eh”.)!
    (As music fades:)
    D: Boy, that song was a beauty (Canadian for “good”.  also usually ended with “eh”.  in fact, most things are ended in “eh”.). It…it moved me.
    B: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with “Stairway to Heaven”.
    D: What?

    ***

    So, there.  Did that help?  Give you more ammo for your cruel American jesting?  I would just like to point out that there was not a single “aboot”.  We seriously don’t say “aboot”.  I’m not sure where that came from.  Maybe from the Maritime Canadians.  They’re like Canadians, only funnier.  We like them.

    Anyway, you’re welcome.

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    5 thoughts on “Dispelling (or exacerbating) the Canadian stereotypes

    1. Niiiiiiiiiiice!!

      I can hear their voices in my head as I read along. I know they’re supposed to be caricatures of Canadians, but Ive met many people who actually talk like them…shoot, I pretty much talk like them… I especially like the way we Canadians say the word donuts. Say it out loud, Jen…Jen McKenzie, right?

      • I know exactly what you mean! Doe-nuts. It’s hard to spell phonetically, but I can hear it.

        Jen McKenzie. I like that. You know what Christmas is going to be all about this year? Pronouncing EVERYTHING in a Canadian Caricature accent. It’s on!

        Ca lo co co co co!

    2. You’ve convinced me. I’m switching from “aboot” to “aboat” from now on when I mock Canadians. You win.

      I’m just kidding, I don’t mock Canadians. I didn’t even know we were supposed to mock Canadians until about a week ago.

      • I suppose we’re the chumps-du-jour (that’s chumps-of-the-day, in French, which is almost Canadian, but don’t tell them that). But that’s ok. We take it like a man and probably apologize afterwards (that’s another Canadian thing – we apologize for everything, even if it’s the other person’s fault).

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