A Christmeme Miracle!

I haven’t written a stitch about Christmas, which is TRAGIC and completely unrepresentative of my real life, which is ALL CHRISTMAS, ALL THE TIME.  I’ve watched all the Christmas movies, almost, I’m finished shopping AND wrapping, I’ve done Christmas Treat Baking, had friends over for a mini kids’ Christmas party, and had a couple of celebrations at work.  So, really, the lack of Christmas themed posts around this place is a little ridiculous.

To remedy that, I turn to a meme* because, while my intentions are good, I’m still lazy and lack inspiration.  So here we go.  A Christmas related Q & A.

1. The Christmas song I can listen to even in June is:

I wonder how drunk these two were at the time.

I only have one favourite Christmas song.  I like Christmas songs just fine, but mostly I listen to them to get into the spirit.  But I do have one favourite and that’s Oh, Holy Night.  I prefer it as sung by The Judds, but I haven’t been able to find their Christmas album on CD, I’ll have to settle for listening to it in my mind.  I think my parents still have the cassette tape kicking around somewhere, but I’m pretty sure I don’t own anything that would play it.  I don’t even like country music, but The Judds can sing the crap out of some Christmas tunes.

2. Hot chocolate, eggnog or mulled wine?

Juuuuuust about enough whipped cream.

I don’t know what mulled wine is, eggnog makes me gag a little, so I’ll pick hot chocolate.  BUT it has to be made as follows: Cadbury Creamy Milk Chocolate mix, less chocolate than the instructions recommend, half the mug with boiling water, a third with milk, whipped cream on top.  And don’t be stingy with the whipped cream.

3. When do you put up your Christmas decorations?

Bosco gets center stage to make up for the fact that his is half the size of ours.  Also, his isn’t made out of spandex like ours are.

I’d prefer the decorations to go up on December 1st so that my birthday on November 30th can be my birthday and not just a part of the holiday season, BUT this year I got outranked by the rest of the household.  I forget when they went up, but it was before November 30th.  Too early, but just by a few days.

4. What are you having for Christmas dinner?

We alternate between my family and AH’s family for Christmas dinner (the other family gets us for the morning).  This year we’re at my family’s house, so dinner will be turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, peas and corn, buns.  Probably pumpkin pie for dessert because I could mainline that shit.

STRAP IT TO MY VEINS

5. What’s your favorite Christmas tradition?

Santa being towed by a John Deere.  You don’t get that in the big city parades.  Also featured this year: a school bus with a wreath on the front, a guy driving his dog around in a golf cart with a sign on the back to vote for him for mayor (the dog, not the human), and my old high school marching band who now have awesome personalized hoodies as uniforms instead of the hideous bright red blazers we had to wear back in my day.

All of our Christmas traditions are my favourites.  I love our small town parade.  I love driving through the neighbourhood of mansions, all decorated as though electricity created itself and it was free, the street lit up so bright you have to remember that it’s night time.  I love opening gifts one at a time, taking turns, so everyone can see what everyone else received.  I love Christmas Eves at my family’s house, with finger foods and a Christmas movie.  I love waking the girls up and all of us sneaking downstairs together and the look of the twinkling tree before the sun has risen.  I love all of it, every last thing.

6. Have you ever gone carol singing?

I have not and my neighbours should thank me for it.  Although, as I type this, I am vaguely recalling caroling when I was a Brownie and walking to a convenience store, getting Popsicles and all our lips sticking to them.  Could have been a dream, though.  You can never be sure with these things.

Just like this, only fruitier.

7. When did you discover the truth about Santa?

I think I was pretty young, which means I must have had douchebag friends.  I remember my mom trying to tell me when I was in grade 4 or 5 and me telling her that I already knew the truth.  I had just kept up the facade because it’s fun.  Although, really.  Isn’t the truth about Santa that he IS real?  That he just lives inside all of us and in the spirit of giving and in the joy we feel this time of year?  That’s what I believe.

Oh, he sees you alright.  He sees you REAL GOOD.

8. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?

Point.  Of.  Contention.  Growing up, we never had one of those trees that had homemade decorations and odd-ball ornaments.  We just didn’t have those things.  So our tree was always colour coordinated and aesthetically beautiful.  Like a Martha Stewart tree before Martha was Martha.  So that’s what our tree looks like.  However, we DO have a collection of memorably significant ornaments and homemade decorations, they just don’t go on our tree.

The wrapping paper has to coordinate with each other AND with the tree.  Being this anal retentive is exhausting.

That’s where our Banister Of Flair comes in.  Trademarked.  We decorate our banister with all of the ornaments that don’t belong on my anal-retentive-friendly tree.  It’s a beautiful banister and I love it.

9. What’s the best thing about Christmas?

It’s the cheesy, canned-applause answer, but it’s the only acceptable response, isn’t it?  Family.  Spending Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day bouncing around from house to house visiting with those we see everyday, once a week, or just a few times a year.  But the very best thing, the moment that makes time stand still and everything seem just right, is the look on the kids’ faces when they see the tree first thing Christmas morning.  Before they’ve torn into their gifts and the illusion is gone, it’s that look in their eyes that says ‘wow’, and that becomes a permanent flash of a memory.

Look!  My beebees!  Back when they were much more beebee-ish!

10. All I want for Christmas is:

My two front teeth.  A hippopotamus.  You.  A hula-hoop.  I’m too old for Christmas wishes.  I know that I’ll love what I get, that I’ll be grateful for the thought, and that as long as they kept the receipt, there is no such thing as a bad gift.  What did I ask for for Christmas?  Mostly just work clothes because I’m boring and apparently I’ve lost the ability to have fun.

This is about the shade of beige I’ve become.  Dear Santa, I’d like socks, a belt, and a sensible pair of slacks.
If it wouldn’t be too much trouble.

***

*I stole this from Tara R. who stole it from someone who probably stole it from someone else.  Feel free to steal it from me.

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10 thoughts on “A Christmeme Miracle!

  1. 1, Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses
    2. Hot chocolate (w whiskey)
    3. Usually the day after THanksgiving. This yr out blended fam schedule was so screwed up, we did it two days before Thanksgiving
    4. Ham, mashed potatoes, the usual stuff. My motehr in law loves me so tehre will be pumpkin pie.
    5. JUst the whole kids getting up early for their Santy Claus stuff…its special
    6. never
    7. 8….kept it to myself until 10

    8. we do homemade decorations and no tinsil…it;’s kind of a ragtag deal but we love it
    9. the happiness and closeness of me and my women.
    10. for number 9 to be special…i dont care about presents

    I hope you, O Dizzle, Av, and E have a happy Christmas. I’m glad we got to be such innertwitterwebz buds this year. Thanks for the highlights.

    Lance

    • Safety first, Jerrod. Santa’s standing in a precarious position up there, driving around, waving his hands. All the roads were closed for the parade, so the ambulance follows directly behind in case of an emergency.

  2. This comment will be many-partsed. Please bear with.

    Part the one: I still have my copy of that Christmas album, which is stellar, and I will brook any amount of hateful teasing about it because I’m a badass who can cop to enjoying the enjoyable, no matter the corniness or dorkitude it entails. In this particular instance, I just mock people unmercifully because they can’t skulk to the music store and get a SEKRIT COPEH as it is out of print. Me: One. (okay, two) Mockers Of Me: MINUS ELEVENTY.

    Part two: Christmas tree goes up the Sunday immediately following Thanksgiving. Well, we go and cut it that day, anyway. Usually decorations go on it the next day or the next. But we always go to the Christmas tree farm that Sunday. The rest of the household decorations get folded in over the course of the following week. This is tedious and ridiculous, I know, but it always ends up this way.

    Part the three: Your scout leader was maybe a little dumb? Because caroling calls for hot chocolate and also something girlscouty like ginger snaps. POPSICLES? IN DECEMBER? Only if you live in New Zealand. And then only if you are native to that place. The universe has laws that should not be flouted.

    Yes, four: I was an infuriatingly savvy kid, so I had the Santa business figured out by six or seven or sommat. I told Michelle McCall, who was my next door neighbor and a full year older, on the way to gymnastics one night. I wasn’t being malicious, just matter-of-fact. I remember thinking, “Michelle McCall, you are NINE. Nine! You should get with the program.” Malice notwithstanding, Michelle’s horrified mother called my mother and I got a dressing-down of great magnitude about killing the dreams of others.
    OH YES I’M STILL SANE, WHY DO YOU ASK?

    Annnnnnd, rounding it out with five: The type of tree you describe is what I call ‘a store-bought tree’. I coined it that when I was about eleven and my favorite aunt, who was a florist and an impeccable decorator, asked what I thought of her tree. “It looks store-bought,” I said kinda flatly. Again, not aiming to hurt anyone’s feelings….it just didn’t look like it represented the warmth of this aunt I knew to be lively and gregarious and funny. It looked….too formal, I guess? So, since we’ve lived in this house, I’ve had one tree I call the family tree in the living room, and one tree that’s like you describe in the dining room….this way both sides of my nature are honored or some shit. Your banister idea is damn ingenious, though, and I would love to see it. I love how you thought outside of the box on that one.

    pee ess….I will send you a copy of the Judds Christmas album if you like. Just say the word!

    • I have NO IDEA what the popsicles were about because popsicles in December is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. There were a bunch of us who came out of that evening with bloody, torn lips and tongues. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

      YES! I WOULD LOVE A COPY OF THE JUDDS CHRISTMAS ALBUM!!! I WOULD LIKE! I bought Winona’s solo effort, which has many of the same songs, but it’s just not the same without Naomi’s harmonizing.

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